Over the next few posts, I’m going to dive my experience with trying to find food recovery through 12-step programs. The good & the bad, the ugly & the beautiful.
- Sponsorship makes all the difference
- Abstinence is different for food than drugs & alcohol
- Some steps might trigger relapse if the other supports aren’t in place
- Normalizes the experience of addiction (de-shaming)
- Service provides meaning and belonging
The slogan for 12 steps programs is “It works when you work it.” That has not been my experience. I would rephrase it as “If it’s going to work, you have to work it,” with the unspoken implication that it doesn’t work for everyone even when you work it.
I first came into the rooms in earnest when I got sober from weed. But what got me over the hump of getting sober was two back-to-back 25-day residential programs at a personal transformation centre that had nothing to do with addiction, explicitly. They used a holistic model to teach and practice self-awareness, interpersonal connection, self-compassion, interconnectedness, and self-expression. The Last Stance in my weed addiction happened this one morning in the middle of the second program where we had the day off, and I thought “I could take that gummy I have in my drawer.” Then a little voice whispered “What you really need is connection. You could reach out to someone and ask for that.” By then I had done enough groundwork that this little voice could get a toehold, and I was able to make the healthier choice. I can’t remember if I threw the gummy out right then or at the end of the program, but that was really the last time I had to effortfully choose not to consume cannabis.
When the program ended, I wanted to protect my sobriety so I joined the local 12-step group and got a sponsor. This was in late 2020 so it was all online. Before long, that sponsor ran a step group. It being my first time through, she encouraged me to think of it as a “dry run” to get a sense of the steps without putting too much pressure to do them thoroughly. The whole thing took about 14 weeks and we didn’t go deep. It didn’t take long for my commitment to that 12-step program to wane, and yet my weed compulsions never came back.
Mind you, I instantly replaced weed with junk food. My sponsor encouraged this – “One thing at a time! You’re sober, that’s all that matters.” Of course, the part of me that wanted to consume junk food heard that and ran with it. My food addiction was off to the races.
I’ve been in and out of 12-step rooms ever since. When I moved to that local community permanently, joining the local 12-step group was one of my first orders of business. I was deep in my food behaviours at that point, and I already had a couple friends in that group. They welcomed me with open arms and I welcomed the immediate sense of belonging and acceptance I found in the rooms. They became my first social group and source of support in my new home. When my ex-husband and I had our last blow-up, they were the people who rescued me from despair and gave me a sense of hope. So I will love them until the end of time, and I’m eternally grateful that they were there to catch me.
That being said, I kept trying to “work the program” with my food behaviours, and kept finding no success. I white-knuckled it for a few months while I worked the steps with a sponsor from one of the abstinence-based 12-step food fellowships, but she pretty much went AWOL right when I needed her the most. I “relapsed” and then shortly after, left that fellowship.
Others in my 12-step group have had incredible sponsorship relationships, where they say just the right thing, are always there for them, and really guide them through their recovery. So this makes me realize that one of the critical elements of successful 12-step recovery is a baller sponsor. If you could work the program successfully without one, you probably didn’t really need the program in the first place.
Another reason 12-steps didn’t work for me is that I deeply believe that abstinence is different for food than it is for other substances or behaviours. At least, it certainly was for me. Some people are able to just give up sugar, have that rough 4-6 weeks, and then never think about it again. Kudos to them. But my constitution is such that making anything “off-limits” just makes me want it more. Eventually willpower wears out and I’m back into the daily family-sized bag of chips.