When someone walks into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting submitted to their desire to quit drinking, the definition of abstinence is pretty obvious: no alcohol.
I don’t need to tell you that everyone needs to eat. Indeed, this is why many professionals don’t even recognize food addiction as a real condition. How can you be addicted to something necessary for survival?
Of course, you and I know how. It’s not the lentils and carrots we’re addicted to, it’s the potato chips and tiramisu.
Where does “Never” fit?
Still then – does abstinence mean never again having fried foods or sugary desserts?
For some, yes, that’s exactly what it means. Some brains do much better with clear boundaries – what Susan Pierce Thompson calls “Bright Lines”.
I have a Focusing colleague who found the framework of abstinence to be incredibly liberating. She was struggling with obesity and wanted to cut out all sugary and fried foods, but she’d been so close to the eating disorder world that kept her thinking she needed to learn how to fit them in.
In her case, she found it so freeing to give herself permission to never eat those things again. The food noise disappeared and her relationship to food felt peaceful for the first time ever.
What my Abstinence looks like
I’m still exploring which foods feel good to be completely abstinent from, which ones I feel comfortable having when I’m out in the company of others, and which foods I want to have in the home.
One thing I’m really clear with myself is that force and rules don’t work. I recently watched “Food Inc. 2” and got inspired to cut out all processed food entirely. I was so angry at the UPF industry, and I had a big “Fuck Those Guys” moment.
But when I was at the grocery store, shopping for food while I’m cat sitting for my friend in another city, I realized I wasn’t quite there yet, and that forcing myself to go there would just be another version of the battle.
Still, I was clear that I wanted to stop eating meat. So I selected a couple frozen vegetarian entrees and some veggie spring rolls. I’m not sure if the spring rolls will work – they’re pretty close to fried foods, and fried foods always give me cravings.
It’s an experiment.
I’m also recovering from a nasty cold, and I’m grateful to have these easy, convenient options available when I’m not really up to cooking from scratch. At the same time, something in me knows my body would feel better if I ate real food. So it’s an ongoing exploration.
Coming back to the question
In my work, abstinence and moderation are deeply personal definitions, specific to the individual I’m working with. For those with a restrictive eating disorder past, abstinence at all might be too triggering.
This might be frustrating for some. Maybe you just want a clear definition: “Here’s the list of foods you can never eat.” I’m not going to do that. My abstinent list is what works for my body, and not something to be imposed on others just because it’s working for me.
Abstinence is not Restriction
The biggest reason OA never worked for me was that it had me forcing myself into a restrictive abstinence, and my inner rebel pushed so hard against that; it was a constant battle.
It’s not like that for me now. Through Focusing and Untangling, almost by magic, I stopped wanting the foods that I used to binge on. I got to the bottom of what needs they were meeting, and I connected directly to the feeling I was trying to get from those foods.
I learned how to call up that feeling from within, and somehow just knowing I can do that was all I needed to stop seeking it from the outside.
Other foods, like the hashbrowns I had with breakfast on the road the other day, are a grey area. They incited that physiological response that hyper palatable foods do, and they left me craving “something, anything” later that day.
They had me realize that my life is just smoother when I don’t eat anything that comes out of a deep fryer. But that’s not coming from an “I’m not allowed” or “I’ll never have those again”, but rather a recognition that next time I’m presented with the opportunity, I can reflect and decide: “do I want to sign up for the effects that eating this will have?”